What’s Wrong With “Transactional?”

What’s wrong with “transactional relationships?”

Most of our dealings in the world are “transactional.” We might spend 15 years at an employer, without much in the way of “romance.” We just benefit from cooperation. These can be happy times. Indeed, “romance” can be a problem with employers. They would rather praise you than pay you. Don’t fall for it.

“Transactional,” over an extended period of time, becomes “contractual.” We need to develop trust in what amounts to contract, or agreement.

Many marriages in the past were not really based on “feeeelings.” They were, in large part, contractual agreements of mutual benefit. In Pride and Prejudice (1813), an idealized representation of a time of perfect courtship manners, the not-very-attractive Charlotte Lucas marries the not-very-attractive Mr. Collins, and neither is very attractive to the other. Mr. Collins proposes to Elizabeth Darcy, and is rejected. He then moves quickly on to Charlotte Lucas, and is accepted. It is clear that he had no thoughts whatsover for Charlotte Lucas a few days earlier, while Charlotte was joking with Elizabeth about Mr. Collins’ repulsive conversation habits. But, he took what he could get, as did Charlotte Lucas.

But, Mr. Collins could perform the role of a Good Husband and a Good Father, and Charlotte Lucas could perform the role of the Good Wife and a Good Mother. And, we presume, they did so — both gaining much from their mutual cooperation. Their contract worked out.

Today, it is often said that the marriage contract is completely ridiculous, when observed as a contractual agreement. It rewards women for breaking the contract! Under such conditions, trust is hard to come by, so men, seeking safety, avoid such situations altogether. Beyond this, women today do not expect to be Good Wives and Good Mothers, and even laugh at the words if they are spoken. Men still expect to be Good Husbands and Good Fathers, since men still understand that, if you are going to be a husband and father, you should be a good one, or don’t bother even to start.