From Helen Roy, we have this:
Dear Helen,
I’m 28, and I’ve been with my boyfriend for four years. He’s 38, successful, and I really love him.
He’s very into “red pill” content online. When we first started dating, I didn’t pay much attention to it. I thought it was just guy stuff, bodybuilding, “locker room talk,” edgy humor, whatever. He’s said more than once that women “lose value” when we turn 30 and “hit the wall.” He never says this about me specifically, and I guess because I’ve been younger than that since we’ve been together, I thought it didn’t apply. But 28 suddenly feels very close to 30, and more and more, hearing the man I love talk about women like a depreciating asset really hurts my feelings. I tried to bring this up and he brushed it off saying, “you’re different because we’re going to get married.” But that doesn’t make sense. If anything, I feel like single women are less likely to lose their looks because they don’t have to go through pregnancy.
This year, he’d promised to propose. Instead, he told me he’s “not ready” because he needs to see more proof that I’m capable of running a household. He says he doesn’t like the way I clean or the way I “manage” things, and that if I want to be a wife, I need to show him I can handle it.
I graduated from a baby Ivy and had a budding career when we met. He “retired” me two years ago, the logic being that once we were married, this is how our life would look anyway. It feels like he put me on a timer and then waited it out himself. I’m trying so hard to be good enough, but I’m exhausted and scared that the closer I get to 30, the less likely he is to fulfill his promise.
I love him. We have a real soul connection. I see these as red flags but ones that can be fixed. So my question is–how do I address them?
Sincerely,
Heartsick
Age 38 is normally a time when men can be left to make their own decisions, but the fact of the matter is, the kind of wisdom that the present situation demands often comes after 40. Even men in their 30s are, to some degree, relying on their elders for guidance. Or, men of the same age or younger that have relevant experience and viewpoints.
I have argued that we are in an era of Triage, where men should concentrate on the roughly 1/3d or 30% of women who can potentially make good wives and mothers. We can’t save them all, especially since most don’t want to be saved. If the legal situation changes, maybe we won’t have to rely so much on a woman’s individual character. If a woman goes bad, then good riddance, but it is not such a problem. You keep your money and your kids. But, for now, this is what we deal with.
This woman is, I would say, definitely in that Top 30% category, and probably Top 10%, and even Top 5% if she isn’t ugly. And, this man and woman have been together for a while. This man should Just Marry Her, and be quick about it. Get it done in under six months. Then get started on at least three children, and don’t dilly dally there either. You can take whatever precautions you feel are necessary from a legal standpoint. Prenups, and avoiding the marriage license. But, just get it done.
“Running a household” is an important part of being a Good Wife and Mother, but it isn’t aerospace engineering. A willingness to do it, and to learn how to do it well, is really all that can be expected. Learning how to cook well is something that is normally done during the first two or three years of marriage. Housekeeping is trivial. It just takes a willingness and enthusiasm to do it. If a woman can’t push the button on the washing machine without complaining about “oppression!,” that is obviously a problem. But, if she is enthusiastic about a clean and tidy, and on a higher level, beautiful house, as is normal for women, that is really all you need.
Cornerstone 