Today’s item is for these men who are ambivalent about marrying their long-term girlfriends.
I was one of those men. I married my wife after being together for six years, most of that time living together. I was also ambivalent about it. We recently celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary.
In those days (the 1990s), young men had a vague sense that marriage brought a lot of trouble but not a lot of advantages, while having a live-in girlfriend had a lot of advantages but not a lot of trouble. This is certainly even more true now, and rather than a vague sense, many young men have a much more precise understanding that marriage is a bad deal for most men. This has two basic aspects: 1) a legal structure that encourages divorce-raping good men; 2) women’s bad behavior, including (but not limited to) the fact that about 90% of divorces are effectively initiated by women’s bad behavior.
Things are, if anything, much worse today than twenty years ago. Also, my perspective is perhaps somewhat warped, because I actually have a very good wife. She is probably in the top 10% of wives in America today, which means that you would have a 90%+ chance of doing worse.
As I’ve said, most of the good women are gone by Age 25. Although they may not be married, they are no longer single. They have already paired up with the man that (in the past) they eventually married. They have demonstrated the ability to pair bond and maintain a productive long-term relationship.
Guess what — you have one of those women.
Today, as I see it, about 50% of young women today basically do not meet the minimum requirements for marriage and family, when men meet them. Maybe they had the potential when they were 16 or 18, but not any more. They are unfit for marriage. They are not realistically fixable. If you marry one of these women, you will do worse than average, which, considering how bad the average woman is, should terrify you. These women are basically for the streets. Unfortunately, many men will marry women like this, even though they shouldn’t.
Of the remainder, about 20% — let’s say — are somewhat marginal. Barely adequate, Possibly fixable. They might work out, but it would probably be a struggle.
Then, there are the Top 30%. We men are going to have to take a stand somewhere, so let’s take a stand with the Top 30%. Someone should definitely marry these women, and make a go of it despite the perils. Don’t let them age out unmarried and childless.
Also, if you pass on this woman, you have to admit that the chances of finding another are somewhat slim, because, as I’ve said, the good women are gone quickly. The Top 30% of women are not the same as the Top 30% of the remaining single women that might be interested in you. It is more like the Top 5% of the leftovers.
Also, related to this, plan on having a family. Just plan on having 2-3 children, maybe 4-5. Plan on having 2-3 children within five years after your marriage. Don’t dilly dally. Even if it seems like “the timing isn’t right,” just do it anyway. Plan on homeschooling.
I would seriously consider getting a prenuptial agreement. This serves two functions. First, it might help ameliorate the very bad legal environment for men and marriage these days. Second, if your woman is strongly opposed, it suggests that she was always planning to divorce you anyway. or use her present legal advantages to manipulate and control you. It is a test of her character — among other things, a test of her willingness to follow your leadership. You might see a whole new side of your woman, and it might not be pretty. Maybe, you should just dump the bitch.
Remember, a prenup is irrelevant if you don’t get divorced. And, a good woman wasn’t planning on using the threat of divorce, or false domestic violence claims etc., to manipulate and control you. So, although a little hesitancy is to be expected, a good woman probably won’t have much opposition to a prenup agreement. The best women will understand that the present legal situation is a terrible cancer on the formation of successful families, and will understand that, in today’s environment, a prenup agreement is a good way for men and women both to attempt to construct a more productive legal framework.
I would also avoid getting a “marriage license.” You can get married without a “marriage license,” and people did for centuries. Heck, you can “get married” just living together! (Common law marriage.) So, do not sign any contracts with the government. No no no.
I suggest a small, quick wedding and a long honeymoon. Keep the cost under $5000. Get it done in a month or two if you can, with family and a few friends.
2 thoughts on “Just Marry Her”
I wish people got together and wrote out a contract, with non performance stipulations, etc
Beats the governments unwritten shit
Finding a pastor who does not require a state marriage license might be problematic, I have heard. But well worth the search. Excellent suggestion. An attorney friend researched the law and he found a North Carolina lawsuit where the woman challenged in the courts that her church marriage was equivalent to one that is state sanctioned and she wanted to cash-out of the marriage. The court claimed that she has no standing in state courts without a state marriage license and tossed her out. Also, the pre-nup suggestion seems like a requirement for men for the very reasons you gave about a woman’s character.