So, it turns out that you can just ask ChatGPT how to get married without getting married.
It depends on the State law.
Here is New York State:
If a couple deliberately conducts a ceremony that does not constitute solemnization under New York law—for example, a blessing, betrothal, commitment ceremony, or some other religious rite not intended or structured as marriage—they may not have created a civil marriage.
Then there is technically nothing for a New York divorce court to dissolve.
That can have major financial consequences. A partner generally would not receive marital-property rights merely because the couple lived together for decades. New York does not create a common-law marriage merely from cohabitation.
There could still be separate issues involving:
- jointly titled property;
- contracts between the partners;
- trusts or estates;
- child custody;
- child support;
- jointly incurred debts.
But those are not the same thing as equitable distribution of property in a divorce.
Describe how one can have a possibly non-religious marriage-like ceremony, without being legally recognized as married.
Yes. In New York, the safest way to have a marriage-like ceremony without becoming legally marriedis to make sure it is clearly a commitment ceremony, not a legal “solemnization” of marriage.
That distinction matters because New York law is unusual: even though the state requires a marriage license before a marriage ceremony, failure to get the license does not necessarily invalidate a marriage between adults if the marriage was otherwise legally solemnized.
A nonreligious commitment ceremony can look very much like a wedding. You can have guests, rings, vows, formal clothing, music, a reception, and someone leading the ceremony. But to reduce the risk that it could later be treated as an actual marriage, the ceremony should avoid the elements New York uses to solemnize marriage.
Under Domestic Relations Law §12, an ordinary marriage ceremony requires the parties, in the presence of an authorized officiant and at least one witness, to solemnly declare that they take each other as spouses.
So, for example, instead of saying:
“I take you as my lawful spouse.”
the participants could say something like:
“I choose you as my life partner, and I promise to share my life with you.”
And the person leading the ceremony could expressly state that:
“This is a personal commitment ceremony and is not intended to create a legal marriage under New York law.”
Other precautions would include:
- Do not obtain a marriage license.
- Do not use an authorized officiant in the capacity of a marriage officiant. If a minister, judge, or other authorized person participates, make it explicit that they are merely serving as master of ceremonies and are not solemnizing a marriage.
- Avoid language such as “I now pronounce you husband and wife,” “spouses,” or “lawfully married.”
- Call the event a commitment ceremony, partnership ceremony, or celebration rather than a wedding, especially in written programs and invitations.
- Do not have anyone complete or file a marriage certificate.
- Consider having both partners sign a short written statement beforehand saying that the ceremony is ceremonial only and that neither intends to enter a civil marriage.
The last point is particularly useful because the real danger is a later factual dispute. Suppose the couple separates after fifteen years and one partner argues that the ceremony actually constituted a marriage. With no marriage certificate, a court could have to reconstruct what happened: who conducted the ceremony, exactly what the couple said, whether that person was legally authorized to solemnize marriages, and what everyone understood the event to be.
New York’s rule that an unlicensed solemnized marriage can still be valid makes “we just won’t get a license” insufficient by itself.
There is also a reason to avoid having an authorized officiant knowingly conduct something that purports to be an actual marriage without a license. New York law makes it an offense for an authorized officiant to solemnize a marriage without having been presented with the required license.
So a relatively clean arrangement would be:
Commitment ceremony + no marriage license + no declaration that the parties take each other as spouses + explicit statement that no civil marriage is intended.
The couple could nevertheless privately arrange many marriage-like financial matters—joint ownership, wills, beneficiary designations, health-care proxies, powers of attorney, contracts governing property, etc.—without acquiring the entire legal status of marriage.
One important caveat is that calling something a “commitment ceremony” is not dispositive. Courts generally look at what actually happened rather than just the label. That is why the vows and the role of the person conducting the ceremony matter.
If the purpose is specifically to have all the social and ceremonial features of a traditional wedding while making the non-marital legal status as unambiguous as possible, I can lay out a sample New York ceremony and accompanying one-page acknowledgment designed around that distinction.
