I thought I would add a comment to the recent post at SigmaFrame regarding concerns among many Christian men (virgins or nearly so) as to whether they can achieve sexual “compatibility” with their future wife, without giving it a try beforehand.
Here is a quote from that post, from a young man with some concerns:
Caterpillar: I’m probably overthinking it but I just fail to understand how I’m going to end up with any semblance of a fulfilling physical relationship by me and a hypothetical potential wife going from none to anything goes after saying “I do”. But I suppose it will just happen naturally or it will just happen because I’ve done what God said and stayed chaste until marriage or something…
So again, the question I keep asking is something like “How do I, coming from a rather traditional, “hands-off, no touching” approach to relationships (and presumably intending to marry a similar woman) understand whether we will be sexually compatible for the rest of my / our life?” Perhaps there is no good / straightforward / universal answer. As I have a tendency to do, I’m probably looking for an “equation” that I can solve and get “the answer”. One way to look at it is that the process of discovery along the way is what makes life interesting. But another way to look at it is that I’d like to seek the advice of men with more experience than me so that I might make fewer mistakes.
For men, “sexual compatibility” is an easy matter: if she is not repulsive (grossly fat), and you find her sexy with her clothes on, then there is hardly any chance of a problem. It is true that some women have sexual hangups of one sort or another, but those can be resolved in time. Men with some experience (with their own wives or other women) would probably express some puzzlement that this notion is even being considered.
In general, I find that a woman’s appearance is somewhat less important during the sex act itself, than it is during the earlier stages — where a man appreciates her beauty from some distance. A 5/10 girl can be a ton of fun in bed, even if she is somewhat uninspiring in day-to-day life. Likewise, a 10/10 girl who lacks all responsiveness in bed is inevitably a disappointment. Even so, you should probably avoid fatties.
Unfortunately, for women, more previous history tends to mean more dissatisfaction with the man she married — the “alpha widow” as mentioned in the linked post. This is yet another factor in favor of the virgin bride. She will be happy with what she has.
Since it appears that many men are bad at sex, a man today should have some ambition to be a capable lover. I do not think this is very hard to do, but it appears that most men fail here.
If you did have a 10/10 wife who was unresponsive (the old word was “frigid”) in bed, I think this can be resolved in time if she is willing to do so. Some women perhaps think they will control their men by restricting sex, and to do so they suppress their own sexual response. Women damaged by “dating” may want to avoid “catching feelings,” and steel themselves for the breakup they expect soon. But, if a woman actually wants to have a good time, I think it is nearly certain that she can eventually arrive at that goal, without too much difficulty. Then you would have a 10/10 wife who was also a sex goddess. This might be rather a nice thing.
In general, sexual responsiveness and satisfaction in a woman tends to be related to:
- Women who feel that they are in secure long-term relationships tend to have more fun. They feel that they can trust their man, and “let down their guard.”
- Women who “submit”/“surrender” to their husbands, or in other words take a traditional Biblical role, have more fun.