“Dating is hard for virgins,” especially girls who want to wait until marriage. This is because, as Tom Leykis used to say, “dating is fucking.” Saying that you want to “date but not have sex” is like showing up to a tennis court and saying “I don’t believe in tennis racquets.”
So, you are not going to play that game. You are playing a different game. And, you have to say what the game is that you are playing, so that people don’t expect you to play tennis.
The game you are playing has basically two aspects:
One is casual socializing, without any expectation of sex. This is “below dating.” It is more like “hanging out,” and often happens in groups instead of couples. Courtship, it seems, requires some entry levels that are not all about marriage. In the past, people went on picnics, or had dances, or had clubs of various sorts. There was also “traditional dating,” where people went on dates, but it was understood that no sex was involved. It was just about meeting people. For example, women might schedule three dates in a week, with different men. This was not whoring, it was just meeting people. No kissing.
The other aspect is: Courtship. Here, you are specifically looking for a marriage partner, and you expect to get married perhaps within six months of finding a partner.
Thus, a virgin girl, let’s say of 18, who wants to wait until marriage, might either casually socialize in ways that are definitely not “dating,” probably in groups, or, will be actively engaged in a husband search. There are no “boyfriends.”
Sometimes, a girl won’t be interested in marriage right away, for whatever reason. But, women tended to get married young in the past, Age 16-25 with a peak around 18-20. If you get married at 19, it was because you started your husband search at 16. You can’t really expect a woman to avoid sex until marriage, and then wait until Age 28 to get married. That is bonkers. So, women, if you are going to go the virgin-until-marriage route, that also means that you should get married young. In the past, during the nineteenth century, 23 year old women were not virgins. They were getting pounded four nights a week, on their way to their third child.
Women are confused because it seems like men don’t want to date virgins, but also, that men say they want to marry virgins. It is hard for women to find these marriage-oriented men, who will seriously consider the idea of getting married within about six months, and might marry a girl without having sex first. Also, it is hard for marriage-oriented men to find these young virgin girls — so hard that, although they might definitely entertain the idea of marrying a virgin girl of 18, if one somehow crossed his path, they may not take any actual steps toward achieving that goal. Many of these men might be over the age of 25, and you can’t exactly go hanging around the high school.
In the process of Courtship, you can go on a date. A man should know that no sex is expected. If you are going to get married anyway, within six months or less, then it is not that big a deal to wait a little bit — even, no kissing. Do not rinky-dink around for the 58.7 months it now typically takes for a couple to get married, after their first meeting. Get married or GTFO.
It would be nice if there were dating apps that were specifically for virgin women actively looking for husbands. (Maybe there are.) But, if you are using more mainstream methods, then you should say upfront what game you are playing. Your dating profile should say: I am looking for a husband, to get married within perhaps six months. I am a virgin, and no sex, and no kissing, before getting married.
This will eliminate 98% of men, which is not a bad thing since women get too much attention to deal with anyway. If your matches go from 800 to 5, what’s wrong with that?
From a man’s perspective, let’s say that he was actually interested in finding a good wife, and would prefer a virgin bride of 18-20, of course accepting that there would be no sex until marriage. How would this man find a girl like that?
So, basically, for young women of perhaps 16-20 who wonder how this is supposed to work, you have to say:
PICK MEEEEEEE to be your wife and the mother of your children, because I am a virgin girl who wants to get married soon! I am so much better than all those other hoes! (Which is true.)
Don’t keep it a secret, that you mention hesitantly on your third date. Not gonna work.
This will make a lot of sense to men. They will understand.
2 thoughts on “Dating Advice for Virgins”
Always question Suzzanne Venker podcasts, who I heartily endorse, encourages women to not marry till 25 because of statistics for a successful marriage. Maybe her market is non-virgins? Much long term experience reveals young age is best, as you always espouse.
That is a good point. I think it is related to the fact that people with good self-control and long-term focus, and also better socioeconomic environment (upper middle class) tend to go to college, which is why stats for marriage for graduates of better colleges (4yr residential for example) are far better than overall averages. Nevertheless, I don’t think you can recommend both waiting until marriage and also waiting until over 25. The stats for women who are virgins at marriage and also marry over 25 (and are also college graduates) might be very good, but it will be a very small sample size because nobody can do it.